an abrupt awakening that would never come.

sure, i've experienced some mild anxiety -- i think anyone can work themselves up from time to time. but, a panic attack? never. as quick as the snap of your fingers, and i could be sent into a fit that would numb my fingers, toes, and entire face. even the thought of someone leaving my side to simply walk across the alley to pick up dinner left me fearing for my life. my thoughts were just clear enough to know i meant no harm to myself. no doubt in my mind that i have much to live for, but i litetally lost control of my own body.

harlan safe and full of life at the beach, i allowed myself a week to fall apart -- the millions of broken pieces scattered about was life as i had known it.

a nightmare.

an abrupt awakening that would never come.

that week held my second wedding anniversary and birthday. i celebrated neither. (unless you count the shower i finally made myself take to honor my 26 years.) you could find me curled up on the couch, babysat by a best friend and/or family member. breaks in hysteria came from ridiculousness marathons, trying to overdose on the best medicine.

laughter.

the one time i was left alone (for an hour), while the paranoia was pitiful at the time, i can find the humor in it now. i had heard a knocking at my door. aching for company, i hurried downstairs to see who it was. i saw black, someone covering the peephole. "who is it? i'm not in the mood for a prank." silence. i looked again. still black. "seriously! what do you want?" more silence. yes, eventually i gave up on arguing with my door only to find that the something, not someone, covering the peephole was my mailbox lid due to an oversized package. (don't worry, as soon as my heart rate went down, i giggled.)

all the days i took one at a time added up. that week turned in months ago. as for myself? well, i ...

i woke up.